pain Deflection

What infectious paths arise when trying to deflect pain?
Justification enough to give up on life…
To become the lurker in a yard of rusted cranes

Whether mom is unimpressed by your existence or your father wishes you a boy
When does it get better? How long does lifelessness go on?

Haunting eyes that know their doing wrong
How many hours spent on numbing?
Grazing on vapidity
Liquid failures that move one nowhere ‘cept despair

Sisters in a trailer park make a promise to commit suicide.
A Texas woman strangles her autistic kids and does not even try to hide
A man killing his son and ex-lover then placing himself in front of a train.
Life becomes short and distorted when trying to evade the pain.

It’s better to face the knife and get cut deep into the bone.
Futile, avoiding an eventuality, since anguish demands to be known.

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Wall of Water


Will of rock
Veneer of cream
Sidling through a torrent current
Contemplation of course
Through to the other side
Which will yield to the other –
Willing myself through or consumed by the wall
Dead ends begin with angles
Always a hook to lead you in
Deeper into the void

feral

inspired by AudioSlave’s “Show Me How To Live

A desert remains where I feel lost…
unbound by time,
fragranced with wine.

So many times, diffident when faced with a cause
not a follower nor a leader, but effaced from it all.

I believe because I don’t understand the way others choose to live.
Recoiling and replaying these useless episodes onto a sieve.

But when the heat rises from within, when something ticks me off,
damn you all, for you will know what my nature is all about.

Gnawing through to the other side without any questions asked.
No doubt of my purpose lingers when I’m compelled…

to act … to pounce.

Theater

A pool of memories swimming in my head
Some are just not able to survive as a
raging whirlpool forms

Like Morrison’s affection for cinema
and poetry and song

Not meant to last but lived at least

Sprawling expanse to a farm field

The endless gestures from the oceans

So much plays out in front of me and ends up in my mind

And the play is configured from my perception,
added with my insights and swinging from synaptic vines

Episodic, epic and shorties but always the fantastic and the meager colliding into my very own.

petal

to be one so close to many
yet so much on my own

without the feeling of intimacy
and only the proximity

I bathe in sunlight
with my fellows which
I feel nothing for

I drink in the wealth of nature
enjoying my share not caring
how the others fare

the wind when it comes and violates the calm in all its perfection
performing it’s swaying intercourse I feel every sensation
I am one with this wind but not with the others that
ride on this crazy flower

some of them fall into the grass and
I feel the pressure to merge with the earth
in this realization I feel closer to something
just don’t know what it is

Creation of Suicide

life marred by sensitivity
wishing endeavors didn’t expend any effort
and that hurt could be neutralized
fighting the good fight with ghosts
vapor and synapse
yielding to abuse and ignorance
I need to control the pain I give myself
cutting to extreme as long as no one
knows how much hurt I do feel.

I can pretend. I can walk on a wire.
fight pain with the desire to suppress all feeling
not just hurt because there are other things I want to avoid
while hurtling in this void where the numb state is sought.

Driving over people to make it to places and check it off the list
so that when the knife ultimately cuts through the artery I’ll have
a completed list of inane tasks that will dissolve into the ether
and will become completely unknown, utterly alone.

ruined

so much anger
so much unresolved
so much hatred
so much trapped in this bizarre
harbinger
it marks the beginning and the end of the relationship
yelling for righteousness in the opera of the insane
cracks in the outhouse
as crap seeps out

I hope you have to wait around and collect your rage and know how hard I feel
how I wish the mountaintops recede into the clouds
where there is strength in blue collisions

just want to make sure this is all I am to receive
this is all I am to benefit

this is all I get
even if I want more. I can’t have it and I never will because you hold everything against me.
You give me nothing and you do nothing too. Nothing for me.