I always liked that movie, “The Matrix”. It was so different and really cool looking. I used to have a thing for Keanu Reeves. I know he’s a mimbo (male bimbo) but he’s so beautiful and he looks really good in all black. In the movie, there is a pivotal scene where one of the renegades, Cypher, sells out and wants to go back to the fantasy world of being a battery. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, see this movie. It is really good. The reality of their existence is too dismal too difficult. Cypher would rather enjoy the fantasy world of the matrix then wallow in the misery of real life. This is a link to a video clip from the movie of Cypher explaining to Agent Smith that “ignorance is bliss”. It’s such a good scene. Check it out!

I’m kind of fascinated with this idea of numbing oneself to life. This poem, subdued, was inspired by that idea and stories of desperate housewives needing mother’s little helper and focusing on the external rather than facing the starkness of anguish. It’s one of those themes that weaves into my brain on a continual basis. Why? I have no freakin’ clue. I wish I knew…

Anesthesia, engulfed in red flames that shower down upon my brain

The melancholy yolk of a deserted egg

Lifeless limbs that bend to everyone’s will

Dessert instead of dinner

Lettuce bed belonging to the winner

Of the single dietary race
Where the outcome is skeletal spokes
Poking from flesh

Flashing of photos passed my eyes
Searing into the recesses of my mind
I’ll never forget those eyes as I numb on that last Percocet

I’d like something more since upon awake
Times. The anguish is too much to take.
It comes in tidal waves without a trough in sight

Just a pounding of my carcass against the craggy shore.
Utterly lost in despair flapping round screaming in desperate cries
to free myself from the reality and close my eyes
toward the deepening fantasy that I have it all under control.


14 thoughts on “subdued

  1. I was working on an acute psychiatric ward when that picture came out. we had a number of patients who, having seen the picture, took themselves int the Matrix and didn’t want to come out again. Not good!!!!

    “the deepening fantasy that I have it all under control” describes exactly my state of mind in my drinking days – trouble was, over time, it took more and more alcohol to maintain the delusion!! I am so grateful that I am not there today.

    You kindof woke me up this morning Cathy with this post – No bad thing 🙂


    • re: psych ward story. That is seriously messed up. The line seems really blurred between fantasy and reality for some and especially these days with so many distractions.

      re: your troubles. I’m so glad you are not in that place today too.

      I’m happy to wake you up!

  2. ok, I read it twice and tried to get a clear picture of each line. What Im picturing is something like the turmoil felt by a woman, kidnapped, then sold in another country as a slave.
    It is certainly intense, and powerful.

    • Hey there,

      It’s really up for interpretation but I was thinking of more a desperate housewife trapped in her perfect life – not able to have children anymore and lost a child and taking drugs/dieting to cope with life/loss. Needing more drugs to cope and keep it under control but everything is really desperately out of control. Those were my thoughts while writing this poem anyway. I was feeling the intensity while I was writing it. I’m glad that came across.


  3. “Mimbo”, that actually made me laugh out loud 🙂

    Something about your writing makes me feel that you produce these creative, elegant, beyond awesome…beawesome poems effortlessly.

    I like the combination of rhyme and non-rhyme, was pleasantly suprised with the first rhyme you used:

    “Dessert instead of dinner
    Lettuce bed belonging to the winner”

    Ever listened to a song and heard a really catchy line and immediately had to rewind?…that’s kinda what happened at that point when reading this piece.

  4. I can’t take credit for “mimbo”. I actually got that from Seinfeld –

    Well, I just kind of let my thoughts weave around an idea and that usually brings to mind conversations or something I’ve read and then the whole story/poem just forms in my brain so it may seem effortless when i write it but it actually sat in my brain for a while simmering as it where,

    I’m so glad you liked it. I think your poems have wonderful cadence. You are very talented with the rhyme.

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