I’m always thinking that I’m nuts but the more I post on my blog the more I see people can relate. So, I think to myself, okay, I’ll go there – to my scary places. I remember one night, I was hanging out with a group of friends and we were talking about what animals we would be if we could be any animal in the world. When it was my turn to answer, I hesitated. Why can’t I be the peacock? Why does SHE get to be the peacock? Okay, fine. I was just about to say, “I’d be a dog” when something popped. Very loudly I announce to the group, “I’d be a monkey because monkeys swing from the trees and play with their feces.” The response was laughter and revulsion, pretty much the mainstay of responses to me.
Why did I say that? I have yet to live that one down. I say something I think is totally innocuous yet somehow it’s controversial and I get that look. That look. I despise that look, like somebody smells something really bad but doesn’t want to come out and ask if someone passed gas. I told my dad once to lay off because I had my period. His face went to stone and he wouldn’t speak to me for a few minutes. Then he completely disregarded what I had said. He erased the existence of those words with his will. I thought it was so stupid for him to get bent out of shape over a biological process. What are you gonna do? I see life differently.
Speaking of different, did you ever see that movie, “The Blair Witch Project“. It was basically about some amateur filmmakers walking around the woods knocking over piles of rocks and getting lost. The angle of the film was that they knocked over the Blair Witch’s piles of rocks and she was mad. She messed with them and they all get f#$ked by her, not literally, I guess we’ll just say she killed them. Well, I was hanging with a group of friends after the movie. I lived near the woods so they started to tease me. One of my friends asked me what would I do if I ran into the Blair Witch in my backyard. I didn’t even hesitate. I said, “I would jump on her back, hang onto her with the grip of death, THEN I would light myself on fire and I’d ride that bitch straight back to hell.” Again, I got that look like something smells bad. What, what did I say?
I would sacrifice my life to get rid of that witch. What else could you do? Let her mess with ya? No way – she’s gonna kill ya anyway, might as well go down in a blaze of glory. I would give up my life for the greater good. I would pull a Tale of Two Cities kind of sacrifice in a heartbeat for the people that I love. There are exactly six people that I would without hesitation sacrifice my life. Wow, that’s kind of a lot of people. I think I might have to re-think a few, ya know, law of averages and all, just kidding.
Which brings me to a revelation I made many years ago when I thought I was going to die in a plane crash. Basically, I didn’t die and there was no crash. It was a surreal experience. Every noise on the plane ceased for at least a few minutes I would say. It was crazy silent and I panicked for the first few moments as we abruptly descended. I didn’t want to die and then the only channel I could pick up in my crazy head was – love, love, love over and over and over again. In my head I was singing variations of this message too like “I love you all” and “everyone is love”. I had absolutely lost control of my brain. That never happens to me.
Seconds passed, and when the unsettling silence melted away to the sounds of life again and everything was fine, I still LOVED for the rest of the flight. I loved that fat bastard in the seat in front of me that crushed my lap with his reclined seat. And, I loved that crazy lady with her homemade fried chicken that smelled like the crack of someone’s ass. AND, I loved that kid whose screaming was so much worse than nails on a chalkboard. I loved them all where, before the silence, I have to say I hated them because they were really annoying.
What does this all mean? I have no idea. That feeling of unsurpassed love has faded. I have a hard heart for stupid people. I’m talking stupid, like “drink the bleach” kind of stupid. One act does not a stupid person make it is the consistently stupid person that drives me to tears. As a good friend likes to say on the topic, “Stupid is forever.” I do try to understand why stupid people exist. And, I even try to love them but I fail miserably. I’m working on it. It feels impossible sometimes but I’m trying, somewhat. The one thing that I do feel confident about is that despite my hatred in the end…there is love.