The Transom of my Mind can be Scary Sometimes

MonkeyI’m always thinking that I’m nuts but the more I post on my blog the more I see people can relate. So, I think to myself, okay, I’ll go there – to my scary places. I remember one night, I was hanging out with a group of friends and we were talking about what animals we would be if we could be any animal in the world. When it was my turn to answer, I hesitated. Why can’t I be the peacock? Why does SHE get to be the peacock? Okay, fine. I was just about to say, “I’d be a dog” when something popped. Very loudly I announce to the group, “I’d be a monkey because monkeys swing from the trees and play with their feces.” The response was laughter and revulsion, pretty much the mainstay of responses to me.

Why did I say that? I have yet to live that one down. I say something I think is totally innocuous yet somehow it’s controversial and I get that look. That look. I despise that look, like somebody smells something really bad but doesn’t want to come out and ask if someone passed gas. I told my dad once to lay off because I had my period. His face went to stone and he wouldn’t speak to me for a few minutes. Then he completely disregarded what I had said. He erased the existence of those words with his will. I thought it was so stupid for him to get bent out of shape over a biological process. What are you gonna do? I see life differently.

Blair WitchSpeaking of different, did you ever see that movie, “The Blair Witch Project“. It was basically about some amateur filmmakers walking around the woods knocking over piles of rocks and getting lost. The angle of the film was that they knocked over the Blair Witch’s piles of rocks and she was mad. She messed with them and they all get f#$ked by her, not literally, I guess we’ll just say she killed them. Well, I was hanging with a group of friends after the movie. I lived near the woods so they started to tease me. One of my friends asked me what would I do if I ran into the Blair Witch in my backyard. I didn’t even hesitate. I said, “I would jump on her back, hang onto her with the grip of death, THEN I would light myself on fire and I’d ride that bitch straight back to hell.” Again, I got that look like something smells bad. What, what did I say?

I would sacrifice my life to get rid of that witch. What else could you do? Let her mess with ya? No way – she’s gonna kill ya anyway, might as well go down in a blaze of glory. I would give up my life for the greater good. I would pull a Tale of Two Cities kind of sacrifice in a heartbeat for the people that I love. There are exactly six people that I would without hesitation sacrifice my life. Wow, that’s kind of a lot of people. I think I might have to re-think a few, ya know, law of averages and all, just kidding.

Which brings me to a revelation I made many years ago when I thought I was going to die in a plane crash. Basically, I didn’t die and there was no crash. It was a surreal experience. Every noise on the plane ceased for at least a few minutes I would say. It was crazy silent and I panicked for the first few moments as we abruptly descended. I didn’t want to die and then the only channel I could pick up in my crazy head was – love, love, love over and over and over again. In my head I was singing variations of this message too like “I love you all” and “everyone is love”. I had absolutely lost control of my brain. That never happens to me.

PlaneSeconds passed, and when the unsettling silence melted away to the sounds of life again and everything was fine, I still LOVED for the rest of the flight. I loved that fat bastard in the seat in front of me that crushed my lap with his reclined seat. And, I loved that crazy lady with her homemade fried chicken that smelled like the crack of someone’s ass. AND, I loved that kid whose screaming was so much worse than nails on a chalkboard. I loved them all where, before the silence, I have to say I hated them because they were really annoying.

What does this all mean? I have no idea. That feeling of unsurpassed love has faded. I have a hard heart for stupid people. I’m talking stupid, like “drink the bleach” kind of stupid. One act does not a stupid person make it is the consistently stupid person that drives me to tears. As a good friend likes to say on the topic, “Stupid is forever.” I do try to understand why stupid people exist. And, I even try to love them but I fail miserably. I’m working on it. It feels impossible sometimes but I’m trying, somewhat. The one thing that I do feel confident about is that despite my hatred in the end…there is love.


22 thoughts on “The Transom of my Mind can be Scary Sometimes

  1. sounds cheesy but if there is anything i believe in fully it is love
    and i think nothing else matters

    i haven’t seen the blair witch project yet :-/

    speaking about animals, i always tell people i’d like to be a cheetah/panthers/puma or shark.
    Something predatorial. 😀 I just think it’d be fun.

    dog – – superb!

    • re: love – Cool belief. I agree with the Beatles – all you need is love, I’m working on it…
      re: blair witch project – you haven’t missed much
      re: animal choices – bad ass
      re: video – I like the lyrics and the refrain with the music a lot – love and dog cool

  2. Pingback: The Transom of my Mind can be Scary Sometimes (via unga bunga girl) « Gaztopia

  3. Love

    There is love
    There is fear
    There is nothing else.

    I can live in love
    I can live in fear
    There is nothing else.

    I can choose love
    I can choose fear
    There is nothing else.

    Help me choose love.

    • That is pretty. The fear causes the hate for me I guess. Stupid people make my ass twitch. I just know they are going to bring a crane down on my head.

      Help me choose love!!!!!!

  4. That was quick effective thinking on your feet about the blair witch. Heheheh, ok so if the world ever desends into anarchy and chaos due to nuclear bombs or zombies or whatever… Come find me for sure! We will make a good team with our survival skills.

  5. We seriously have so much in common. I absolutely despise that look, the look of “You do not belong, you are an absolute outsider, we do not want you, go away”.

    Also, I will take a wild guess and say that you and I want people to make sense. Why is that? Why can’t we take people as they are? Why do we value common sense so much? I don’t know about you, but people often call me stuborn? arrogant? a know it all guy? I don’t know about that, I know that I’m a pretty sweet guy that wouldn’t hurt a fly. But I also admit that in my pursuit for the thing that is after, the thing that is perfect, the thing that makes sense, I may hurt people eventually, which sucks noodles to be honest. I am not perfect and should stop ask people for perfection…

    • I do want people to make sense, very observant of you. Yes, I do feel that I inadvertently hurt people in my pursuit of the truth, but I’m never malicious if that counts for anything which sometimes it doesn’t. And, THAT really does suck noodles (funny expression).

  6. Hey, you should have put “SPOILER” before you mentioned that you didn’t die and there was no crash. Sorry, you know my odd sense of humor. I know just how you feel about all this. Are you a fan of Patrick McGoohan’s old series The Prisoner? It’s a Kafkaesque parable about idividuality vs conformity dressed up as a sci fi show. Eugene Ionesco’s absurdist comedy Rhinoceros reminds me of unusual people like us, too.

    • re: Spoiler – funny. I remember watching that show, The Prisoner, but it was over my head at the time. I was young. I’ll have to check out Ionesco, never read any of his stuff. Thanks.

  7. What you would do about blair witch – totally agree with that, your idea was completely sane 😛 and creative not something just anybody would come out with. Don’t worry I get ‘looks’ from people often 😀 I just have fun being me and I can totally relate to your post.

  8. It sounds like all those people who look at you funny should loosen up. Those things you said were funny or apt, and certainly not outrageous.

    I can only hope that if I’m in a life-threatening or terrifying situation, I’ll react the way you did in the plane. That love you experienced is the proof that you’ll cultivate love and acceptance for the silly stupid goof-offs you encounter.

  9. Unga-your writing is….disturbing, discomforting, addictive. Painfully honest. And we-I-see myself in those uncomfortable moments you lay bare. I sometimes think the “confident”, the self-assured are just too oblivious to their surroundings to pick up on “that look” when its cast upon them. They plow ahead unaware, and overcome it. I retreat into silence….guessing that you, like me, dread mingling with strangers socially, too tuned in to those subtle looks to successfully “ice break”. Thats why I – we-write….no eye contact, just imagined receptive readers. Sorry for rambling…I really like your style though.

  10. You know what is so cool here? Ive got that look from people too many times to count. I used to hate it, but now Im just said because I see that look only comes from unimaginative peole who have too many inhibitions to think creatively and/or just have fun with life. But what I think is so cool here is how many people have responded in the comment thread. I never knew there were so many others who also get this look. Where are are you people in real life? I want to hang out with people like you!

  11. sorry “said” was supposed to be “sad.” Its hard to type with a drooling cat in my lap who hogs the keyboard.

  12. Pingback: Stupid Ideas I Haven’t Done: Eraser Boy | Kittysneezes

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