You know! I cannot withstand yet another Jam!

I’m in a wedge of a crack of a hole.
Life pressing in every direction; I’m questioning my soul.

Yet you feel it necessary to unburden your fold
or YOU will be confined?

Let me tell you something Joan of Arc on crack du jour
You’re already headed out the door

leading deeper into your psychosis.

You angle every play to defeat my spirit
to make me bitter to my sinew.

I defy you! I’m not like you.
I’ve never worshipped you and hated you the way you do with me.

The rage I feel for all these years I must suppress for father’s sake
but heartless sister, my affection is all spent.

I wish I could display this poem as words on paper
to shove down your throat so you can choke on the
significance of your torture.

I can’t believe I loved you.
Wasted years on caring about you.

It’s too hard. I’m defeated.
You win, nut job, you have no sister.

    footnote:

I wrote this last night. So today, I’m looking at it thinking post it or delete it. I want to make it all go away. For me, rage lasts in moments. It’s not sustainable. But when it hits me, it hits me hard.

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19 thoughts on “You know! I cannot withstand yet another Jam!

  1. I hope you keep it here. Its nice to read powerful, blunt, words that don’t scimp around the edges of emotion. When I substitute the word sister, for the word ‘mother’ I can really relate.

    One sentence was hard to understand. The sentence: I’ve never worshipped you and hated you the way you do with me

    It is unclear in meaning for me. Since I can interpret the meaning in 2 different ways, so the intent is ambiguous. Does she both hate and worship you? Or does it say only that you hate her the way she hates you rendering the worship into a retort of defence?

    I interpreted it to be that she worships the ground you walk on, and because of her own isecurity comlex, she hates you for it, and tries to always bring you down. But living in a lie as she does, she cannot even admit she does this. Thats what I got from it, because of my M word.

    • You got it with the M word analysis. My sister is 6 years my senior and she always thought she was my mother. Worship was the closest word I could come to to fit in with the flow. She mostly draws like nourishment from me in a way and resents it. It’s wierd. Now she is like a toddler knocking over all my block houses. It makes me sad and mad cuz we used to be allies in a crazy house.

  2. Your probably more mature than her and just living your life. While she is dependant on you like a succubus. Healthy fate might split you two up. It is sad though, but it might not be able to change. M for me is a festering thorn everytime she is in my life, I try to please her and meet in the middle and get rewarded with a guilt trip. Thankfully she had been mad at me since christmass and has cut me off. Im enjoying my M free life dreading the day she comes back into it. But thats me. You never know, sisters have a bond I can only imagine. I never had one.

    I loved your analogy about the wedge, crack and hole. Very well put.

    • I’m sorry about you and your mom. That’s a whole different animal. My mom is deceased and my feelings are now resolved but it took awhile. You have to do what is best for your sanity sometimes and not get caught up in their manipulations and guilt trips. My sister pulls those on me and I will not cave in to it. That is why she needs to win every argument even though what is she winning (like your last post). Now she has the misfortune of spending less time with me, poor girl. Ha! Maybe she will have an epiphany and change her nutzy ways. I always give others a chance for redemption. I need those sometimes too and so I’m always willing to give them. But since she is never wrong, EVER, I’m not holding my breath.

      Thanks!

  3. Wow, this one really cuts deeply, especially with all of us who put the “fun” in “dysfunctional family”! My parents were very old-fashioned people who could never understand how they spawned somebody with my odd personality and interests. I often felt like an unwanted kitten they would have drowned if they could get away with it.

    I hope writing all this out let you exorcise your rage rather than letting it fester.

    • We all have those festering wounds from our loving families. I could see how Mr. Frontierado child could drive traditional parents out of their tree. It’s too bad it had to be like that for you. They missed out.

      I know the person that I want to be and the person that I actually am. I have a long way to go but one road I will not go down is misery. I really do see the joy in life more than the crap.

      Thanks.

  4. It is quite remarkable isn’t it how therapeutic writing poetry can be.

    Particularly in dealing with anger and frustration!!!

    I suspect you felt better after writing it.

    Big Hug

  5. If you do decide to remove it from your site, save it as a draft. You will want to read it again. I know that one well.

    I’m new here! So far I have been having a ball looking around the place. Love the drapes.

    I know it may seem a bit premature, but with what I have read so far, I do believe it fitting that I award you The Versatile Blogger Award, because I plan to read your blog regularly. I have added you to my blogroll for easy access. Hop over to my latest post to see what happens when you accept. http://optymyst.wordpress.com/2011/05/04/versatile. Congratulations!

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